the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
