I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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