Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
