I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
