Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
