so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
