You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
