I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
