I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
