Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He felt like a one man threesome
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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