it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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