I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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