how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Panties = found
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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