oh god the rape fog is back!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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