I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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