just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
