you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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