What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I cut my penus on the lid.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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