Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
