the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
