Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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