If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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