I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Jerry, you need to find god
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
