I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
