So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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