If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
