I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
BRING THE BAGELS
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
