Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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