I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Bring me that man meat
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
