i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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