get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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