I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
