I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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