Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You have to summon your inner elephant
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
wow bdsm is so cute
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