apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
