i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's shark week go big or go home
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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