HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
