i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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