i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
