dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
