Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
