i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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