Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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