I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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