Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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