Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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