After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
