remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
