You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
