I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
