Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
