The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
