oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
