I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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